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“It’s difficult for women to claim space. It is a struggle, a negotiation. And in what form are women expected to talk. Talking about it doesn’t guarantee justice.” – Makhosazana (Khosi) Xaba, Poet & writer.
Of the many forms of violence that we have in our society today it is with such heaviness for me to know that gender-based violence is the most prevalent, in fact it is the one form of violence that infringes on so many basic yet fundamental human rights. According to the Bill of Right we all have the right to: Life, Human dignity, Equality and Freedom & security to name a few. Perpetrators do not only undermine these rights, but also feel entitled to take away the victim’s legal right to these. I do not believe that the root cause of GBV can be attributed to a single factor however I believe there are various factors that lead to and continue to perpetuate the toxic cycle. I do believe that our homes, how we are raised, and oppressive gender expectations play a significant role in either planting a seed (whether consciously or unconsciously) or perpetuating GBV. For instance, as a young girl growing up, I was raised differently to my brothers, I recall constantly being told, and shockingly enough by female family members, to go change and “dress decently” because my brother/father/uncle/male figure was around or coming. Looking back, I am incredibly outraged by this tradition, which continues even today, because I fail to understand what about a young girl’s body would entice any older male to look at her as anything other than a child. To date I have never encountered a boy child being told the same thing. So, from a young age as a girl my body is already policed, I cannot even own my own body how then am I expected to claim space in society, if the very body I exist within isn’t mine. I also had an earlier curfew than my brothers merely on the premise that I was a girl, I constantly needed to report on my comings and goings and my brothers have never had to. As girls we’re told to stay home, not be out after dark because of the perpetrators that lurk outside, but what about those we live within our own homes how do we keep safe from them. The increasing number of GBV cases against intimate partners or family members is shocking, proving that regardless of where you are you are not safe. As a young girl I was raised in an environment where I constantly felt undermined, I could never be independent because the male figure was always supreme and I was raised to believe that regardless of how much I would achieve in life if I could not cook/clean/look after the household when I grew up all that success meant nothing. As a young girl I was constantly being groomed for marriage because which man would marry a girl who could not cook/clean/take care of the house as if because I am female I am born with a cooking, cleaning and looking after the house gene, and men are supposed not. Although these factors may not always lead directly to GBV they play a crucial role in planting the seed or continuing the cycle of violence. For me, growing up in an abusive family made me realize just how complex this is, it is shocking to know that South African women take on average 3-5 years to leave a abusive relationship, that South Africa is one of the countries in the world with the highest rate of GBV and that it’ll take about 180 years for women and men to be equal. The emotional, psychological and spiritual wounds of abuse are ones that run so deep, for me it was not until my late teens that I realized just how much my abusive upbringing had affected me, I struggled, and still continue to this day, to trust firstly myself and the decisions I make and most definitely the next person. I saw no value in relationships, I was always the first to leave or always ready to leave, I struggled to communicate and be vulnerable instead I was always looking for a reason to argue and fight because that was normal to me having seen that at home, basically I was toxic. These are only scraping the surface of the many harmful behaviours I have had to overcome, however what I can say about the process of healing, which I believe is a journey I have taken on for life, is that I truly believe that no one has the power to either remove you from or pull you out of a dark hole, that power solely lies with you as an individual. I say this because healing is a personal journey, although you can have people to genuinely support you and stand by you, ultimately you need to do the work consistently and dig deep within yourself to unleash your true power and not allow what happened to define you. In fighting against GBV I do believe we need to start at home, there are a lot of detrimental gender expectations that need to radically change, young girls and boys need to be raised as equals, and we need to have homes and families that have zero tolerance for abuse because so often the family knows but chooses to turn a blind eye. We need good men to rise, men who will begin to name and shame these perpetrators who are in their circles because as women and children we cannot be held accountable for the selfish and heartless actions of these perpetrators.
Written by Khanyisile Vilakazi
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